Grief doesn鈥檛 magically end after a loved one鈥檚 death. Reminders often bring back the pain of loss.
When a loved one dies, you might be faced with grief over your loss again and again鈥攕ometimes years later. These feelings, sometimes called an anniversary reaction, aren鈥檛 necessarily a setback in the grieving process. They鈥檙e a reflection that your loved one鈥檚 life was important.
To continue on the path toward healing, know what to expect鈥攁nd how to cope with reminders of your loss.
Certain reminders of your loved one might be inevitable, such as a visit to the his or her grave, the anniversary of their death, holidays and birthdays. Even memorial celebrations can trigger pain.
Reminders can also be tied to sights, sounds and smells鈥攁nd they can be unexpected.
The course of grief is unpredictable. Anniversary reactions can last for days or for much longer. You might experience the intense emotions and reactions that you first experienced when you lost your loved one.
Anniversary reactions can also evoke powerful memories of the feelings and events surrounding your loved one鈥檚 death.
As you continue healing, take steps to cope with reminders of your loss. For example:
Be prepared.
- Anniversary reactions are normal. Knowing you鈥檙e likely to experience them can help you understand them and gurn them into opportunities for healing.
Plan a distraction.
- Schedule a gathering or visit with friends or loved ones when you鈥檙e likely to feel alone or be reminded of your loved one鈥檚 death.
Reminisce about your relationship.
- Focus on the good things about your relationship and the time you had with your loved one. Write a letter about your good memories.
Start a new tradition.
- Make a donation to a charity in your loved one鈥檚 name on birthdays or holidays, or plant a tree in honor of your loved one.
Connect with others.
- Draw friends and loved ones close. Find someone who will encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups. Consider joining a bereavement.
Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions.
- It鈥檚 OK to be sad and feel loss, but allow yourself to experience joy and happiness. As you celebrate special times, you might find yourself both laughing and crying.
There鈥檚 no time limit for grief, and anniversary reactions can leave you reeling. Still, the intensity of grief tends to lessen with time.
If your grief gets worse over time or interferes with your ability to function in daily life, consult a grief counselor or other mental health provider. Unresolved or complicated grief can lead to depression, other mental health problems and other medical conditions.
Despite best intentions, sometimes it鈥檚 hard to put on your boots and jackets to go out, especially during a pandemic in winter.
But there are few better salves for the soul than the sounds of nature. Spending time in nature has been shown scientifically to lower stress levels, improve working memory and help us feel more alive, according to a 2016 Washington Post story about the Japanese concept of forest bathing.
But for all of us who can鈥檛 travel, can鈥檛 forest bathe and might be having trouble leaving home at all, there is a low-commitment, low-energy option to get some of those good juices flowing.
Tree.fm has sounds from forests around the world recorded by people who live near them. There are forests filled with the sounds of rain and rushing water, others with scores of birds and some that seem near silent.
鈥淧eople around the world recorded the sounds of their forests, so you can escape into nature, while in lockdown or unable to travel,鈥 the creators of the site say. 鈥淯se this site to chill, meditate or do some digital shinrin-yoku.鈥
Visit the Sounds of the Forest sound map to find the ones nearby and find a link on tree.fm to donate to organizations that plant trees in nature.
Fern leaf isolated on white background.
Unhappy sad man in depression covered his face with his hand
Hubby thinks wife gets too stressed about Mom’s visits
Q: My husband’s mother is coming to visit. I just found out she booked a hotel for her stay, which surprised me because she always stays with her children when she visits. Hotels in our city are not cheap. I asked my husband why, and I’m horrified by his answer. He says I “stressed out” about her last visit for days beforehand, and he doesn’t want to put me/himself through that again.
“Stressed out”???? He’s referring to the fact that I put effort into cleaning, planning meals and preparing the linens. I don’t think I gave off the impression that I didn’t want her to come, and I would have done the same for any guest. I think he’s really just upset because I disrupted HIS week—he of course is more comfortable with her and cares less about things like giving guests a clean towel.
So what do I do now? Most of my communication with my mother-in-law is through him. I must look like an unwelcoming daughter-in-law and I’m sure her feelings are hurt. What is the least awkward way to repair the damage my husband has done?
—Gah!
A: 1. These are pre-pandemic questions to give us a preview of post-pandemic life. They are not encouragement to travel or host right now.
2. Ask your husband if he prefers to have his mother stay off-site. It could be that he used you as his excuse to steer her to a hotel. If so, then use this, in turn, as a good opportunity to discuss the marital politics of his throwing you under the bus without checking with you first.
3. If he wasn’t using you in this way and actually likes having his mom stay with you, then call your mother-in-law—after notifying your husband of your intent—and say you and her son have a very different idea of “stressed out.” Say he sees putting out fresh towels as stressful preparation when you see it as a staple of having (and not scaring off) guests, and you enjoy having her as a guest, so please come.
In other words, give him his turn at taking the fall. Good luck.
Q: My mother is very old and old-school. My family is fine using their best behavior for the length of a dinner, but with longer visits that doesn’t work. We are a family who thinks farting is hysterical. She does not. That’s kind of it, in a nutshell.
She is a quiet, helpful personw who thinks of herself as a low-maintenance guest, which is mostly true, but my husband and children chafe at her formal, old-fashioned ways. When she visits, everyone in my family makes themselves scarce and people are much shorter-tempered. I can’t deal with that for the 10 days she’s planning to visit. I do want her to come, but not for as long. I need to tell her some semblance of the truth. Suggestions?
—Best Behavior
A: Why don’t you just tell her your family is an unruly, farting mob and can’t maintain their best Grandma-friendly behavior for a full 10 days? You love her. Say so. And you want her to feel welcome, so it’s well-behaved visits of a few days or full-on “Wild Kingdom” for 10.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at .
